The beginning of September is generally un-good. 

Holidays are over, the new school term starts and I feel like posting a Facebook photo of myself, stood by the front door, new uniform and shiny shoes on, looking tanned but  thoroughly hacked off at the thought of returning to work! 

After two weeks of blissful sunshine, sea, gorgeous food and relaxation (plus extreme frisbee poolside and knee high in sea water versions) it is sadly back to reality. 

Much education was gleaned in sunny Spain, as always for a sceptical, sarcastic, OCD maniac like myself:

I've learned some new Spanish; "Antenna brokio" - this apparently means part of your wi-fi isn't working. 

"Grill terminado" - yep, you guessed it, oven is knackered. 

My sign language was put to the test too, when I had to deal with a seemingly mute Spanish electrician. Complete with a small blackboard and chalk to communicate these important words to me before leaving: 7 - 8. I was puzzled as to the meaning, was it hours or days? 

Other useful new knowledge:

Spaniards are more organised than us. It's not uncommon to see families with chairs, tables and washing up facilities....at the beach!

Chicken nuggets are universally recognised and available on all kids menus worldwide. 

If you are stupid and cruel enough to tease a bull by a jetty you can expect, at the very least, to get wet. At worst, get your ass kicked. 

There are no undamaged cars anywhere in Spain. 

It is acceptable to eat ice cream more than once a day and before mid day. 

Back to the UK. Back to work. Back to school for 'G'. New, big school!!

I was disappointed to find her new biometric, cashless catering system isn't quite as 'Blade Runner' as I was expecting. I had visions of her taking her Carbon Fiber tray to a payment point where Sigourny Weavers voice would announce "Identification" and encourage her to place her thumb on an illuminated pad. The thumb part is a reality however,; both of them, presumably just in case one thumb is 'declined'. 

Another new, scary development is the school bus. Turns out that it's all very organised and efficient so far. Apart that is from the bus pass photograph. 

Being  perfectionists we got a stunningly perfect photograph. Hair, lighting, background, you name it. Only for the card process to squeeze and stretch it into an irregular box so she looks like she's been smashed in the face with a paella pan! 

Never mind. Looking forward to the next holiday.............BD

With 'G' finished at primary school I now have a big fat hole in my afternoon. Having been the main picker upper for years I'm now in possession of an extra couple of hours at my disposal. What to do?

I'm contemplating re joining the gym. But with at least a three year absence there is only one prediction: Pain!

I train with weights and there really is no easy way to gently get your body back into that. It's going to hurt and there's no getting around it. 

Had a nice work out in the form of Extreme Frisbee this afternoon. After nearly suffering a broken nose at the hands of a 'Headshot' from 'G' last week, we took it to a park today and added a new level: 'Extreme Frisbee Chaos'.....

Four + players, two frisbee's in play at once. You need your wits about you as the disc can be coming from anywhere. Much fun was had, thanks guys. When my GoPro arrives we're definately going to add some action clips to the site. 

                                                                               BD.....

End of an era indeed! This week has been the last week at primary school for my young Padwan.

We have had the year 6 leaver’s party and the end of year ‘production’. The leavers assembly is one I just can not face but I’m sure the emotions will still be running high at ‘quitting time’ on Thursday. Hopefully it will be very sunny so I can wear my shades and shed a tear without having to hand in my Man Card!

We’ve had weeks of weird and wonderful fund raising to put on a decent party, buy legacy gifts for the school plus various gifts for teachers and other staff.

I don’t recall any of this when I was her age but then obviously I only saw it from the kids perspective and it was all taken for granted and unnoticed. Growing up in a village with a large primary and secondary school, when I went through this process I knew virtually all my friends were going with me to the next stage. This is not the case for ‘G’. Only two others are going on to the same secondary school and I feel for her.

I will miss the interaction at ‘quitting time’. I’ll even miss racing to the car park early to guarantee ‘pole position’ parking in my favourite low risk space. Although I generally avoided the cliques of the school playground I have made a few friends and usually always saw the same faces at any kind of fund raising activity or event. A truly lovely village school, we couldn’t have hoped for a better start to our daughter’s academic life. She has made some wonderful friends, as have we in their parents and in this age of social media I hope we all keep in touch.

Thanks to you all and God bless you St Michaels School Stewkley.

Sometimes schools have these great events called ‘inset days’.

I have no idea what happens in school on these days just that the kids don’t need to go. Strangely they always seem to be on either a Friday or a Monday, which is very good of them as it’s an excuse to slip in a days leave, extend the weekend and go do something.

This time around: Alton towers, the Uk’s No1 theme park.

I don’t get bored at theme parks generally, except whilst queuing of course, that sucks.

We like to play; ‘Find The Ride Camera.’ This is a must for all thrill ride pro’s. You can usually get a reasonable idea of the cameras location while you queue for the ride, but not always. Sometimes you have to locate it as you fly around the track, which can be difficult to say the least when you spot it with 1/100^th of a second spare until the flash!

A pro however will find it and hit a pose at just the right moment and angle. We always strive to do this and not just to buy the photo at the end. Sometimes the gasps, respect and admiration of the other riders who see your uber cool image is enough in itself.

You can go for the classics such as the two finger ‘peace’ sign. The double point, the salute and the wave. I’ve tried to mix it up recently though with ‘Reading the map as everyone around you screams’, ‘Checking the time’ and the tricky ‘Emotionless Michael Myers face’.

Here’s a cool story; ‘Rita’ is the fastest ride in the park. Zero to 100 KPH in 2.5 secs and pulls 4.7G. During a very tight-banked helix my daughter CATCHES a pair of expensive looking glasses thrown off of the girl in the car in front. As we slowed down I looked over to see her holding these specs with a look of surprise and amazement on her face. The lightening reactions of my ‘Padwan’ make me so proud.

This girl in front was desperately hunting for her glasses when the ride stopped, we put her out of her misery and she was so happy I thought she was going to cry.

This visit was thoroughly enjoyable and as always there is education to be gained:

• Ducks love donuts.
• Other schools also have inset days! :-(
• Don’t do an extreme ride 15 mins after hoofing down a full English with hash browns and ‘death bread’.
• Those huge soft toys that people win aren’t taken in at night or in the rain so good luck with the Febreze on those guys!
• People fart in queues, there is no etiquette.
• People still queue jump, and not just French people.
• All snack stops will cost £25
• Rain ponhos: If you buy cheap, you buy twice. Go for the thick one that smells like a rubber dinghy.
• Hermit crabs occasionally swap shells, and are bullies.
• If the software goes tits up on a virtual realty ride you will probably get travelsick!
• Don’t pull the bar down that extra click on ‘Nemesis’, unless you can hold your breath for over two minutes while high on adrenaline!

BD…

Supermarket bingo is a Bored Dad pastime recently invented to enhance the dullest of necessities; the supermarket shop.

Basically, just like bingo, it involves a card with a number of boxes to check off.

The content of the boxes is where the offensive stereotyping comes into play!

The object of the game is to complete your card by spotting all the sights and checking off each box, then shouting ‘Bingo!’ Simple.

The bingo cards could differ depending on the supermarket in question. Difficulty could be gauged on which supermarket too. One in particular, which I will not name, could fill a card within minutes.

Here are some examples of box entries: 

• Person wearing tracksuit/shell suit with easily visible bum cleavage.
• Person with a basket containing only alcohol.
• Morbidly obese person badly navigating a mobility trolley around the aisles.
• Family totally ignoring a child screaming at the top of its lungs.
• Person happily browsing the aisles whilst eating/drinking an item not yet paid for.
• Person waiting at the discount shelf for updated bargains.
• Man performing a high speed ‘J turn’ with their trolley.
• Staff pushing empty trolleys around, reeking of BO.
• Couple having a loud public argument
• Person spending far too long browsing the wine section.
• Person giving an expert wine tutorial loudly to his/her friend.
• People politely ‘giving way’ at aisle junctions.
• Rejected child’s toy oddly located in the frozen foods section.
• Cordoned off area with toxic looking liquid all over the floor.
• Wandering unaccompanied child.
• Red faced, high speed panicking parent.
• ‘One Basket Workout Guy’ (I’m guilty of this one whenever I do a lone speed shop with an unfeasibly heavy basket)

Etiquette should be followed when playing this game. Try to avoid letting your child or yourself excitedly announce the sighting of one of the spectacles. Pointing, fist pumps and cheers should also be avoided if you wish to complete your shopping experience without being evicted.

Enjoy...

Welcome to BoredDad.co.uk.

This is a website under construction so I'm talking to myself really.

I'm going to fill the site with dad stuff, except football...or cricket, hate those.

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